Friday, June 11, 2010

THIS JUST IN: Second Coming of Christ Interrupted by Border WatchDogs

This idea came to me and struck me as funny. I thought this might be something I could use to perhaps start working with the brilliant writers at The Onion. Alas, they do not consider freelance submissions. Thus, their loss is your gain, my dozens of readers....

TEMPE, AZ – Citizens were startled earlier today when trumpets heralded the second-coming of the Messiah, Jesus Christ. Immediately after descending into town, apparently from Heaven, the Son of Man began to assist some poor migrant workers attempting to repair their ramshackle hut with a paltry supply of materials. By the time Jesus was through, they had built a ten-room, 9000 square foot mansion in a 1500 square foot lot.

Said George Washington Smith, one of the carpenters on the scene, “Thees man, he take our boards, make more boards. Very nice. I citizen though, I vote Tea Party, yes?”

Edna Whipplesnatch, a local border-watch volunteer and registered Libertarian, called the police when she heard the angelic trumpets, thinking they were a novelty car horn. “It wasn’t that dreadful ‘cook-a-roochya’ that they usually have, but I figured anyone with a horn like that on their car is worth a second look.”

Officer Jimmy “Spoony” Davis was the arresting officer and first on the scene. “When I arrived on the scene a group of illegals…I mean residents, were finishing a structure that obviously violated building code, so I started asking for I.D.” The majority of the group immediately fled, but He Is the He Is stayed to speak with the officer. “He just kept rambling on and on about how we were all brothers, so I knew he was obviously on marijuana.”

The Christ was tasered for assaulting an officer when after Jesus said he could “sense his affliction,” touched the hip of the officer, healing his chronic life-long arthritis. However Officer Davis assumed he was going for his gun or nightstick. “I feel great, so I am thankful for that. But you just don’t TOUCH the police. I’d taser him again, if I had to. Shit, if I woulda shot him, he'd been resurrected by the weekend, you know?”

Jesus has been deported to Mexico. His whereabouts are unknown, however the drug war has ceased and lands that once bore no vegetation are teeming with trees where the birds of the air come to make nests in its branches. Says Edna, “I am a little embarrassed to have had the King of Kings deported, but I will be more than willing to accept Jesus Christ’s salvation, AFTER he goes through the proper immigration process.”

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